Are you kidding me?!

It feels like a routine.

I took out the white shirts
and black long pants
from my wardrobe.

Sitting in the dark,
in my living room hall.

Im so tired of crying
and all i feel like doing now
is just typing about it.

Its barely the second week of January 2012
or rather 6 months since my *last funeral*
and this has to be the lamest joke of all
because it so isnt fkin funny.

Yes, I know grandma's old
and I know she's been sick
but what upsets me most
is the fact how sad my dad is
as he's stuck in Hong Kong at the moment
and im unable to hug him
to give him any comfort.

The fact that im not mentally ready
and that we wanted to push the wedding earlier
just so we could have her at our big day,
is now no longer possible...

i hate this.

i honestly hate this.

ive yet to even recover
from the last one and now this?!

***

Ive got to chill.

The more im writing,
the more im feeling angrier
rather than sad.

Im gonna soak myself in a warm shower
and then turn to bed early tonight
for tomorrow's early wake...